The Great Star Wars Spoof
by xinglongneo
Summary: Spoofing Star Wars...don't read if you don't like having just about everyone in the Star Wars universe made fun of...OOC, OC, pretty much AU
1. Recruiting

Recruiting 

All in all, it was a nice day. It had the promise of being a tad hot in the afternoon, but otherwise, it was a perfect day for recruiting.

The Jedi, being unusually prepared, had arrived early. Their stall was very carefully put together but creaked slightly in the wind. The Sith stall, on the other hand, had been slapped together but no amount of the Force was going to tear the thing down. It would be there forever, like all of the Sith stalls ever created.

After they had tested the stall several times, Vader was heard to remark, "We have _got_ to stop doing this. How many of these things have we made?"

No one seemed to have an answer.

Around nine o'clock, the first few hopefuls arrived. They drifted towards the Jedi stall (naturally, since it looked better). The Sith, of course, checked their watches. Nilhus turned to Rayvin and said something. Of course, Rayvin was completely lost.

"What'd he say?" Rayvin asked turning to Sion, who was the only one who could understand Nilhus and wasn't a Jedi (because Visas Marr was very good at understanding her former master. But she was currently smirking at him from the Jedi stall).

"He wants to know when that woman of yours is going to get here with the cookies," Sion said.

"Oh, the cookies are done," Rayvin said, "She's working on the ice cream with her apprentices."

At ten o'clock, everything was completely underway. Everyone was crowding around the Jedi stall. The Jedi, of course, were amused by their evil counterparts' luck. Or, they were amused until Darth Terron showed up with her various apprentices with vast amounts of cookies and ice cream.

"What took you so long?" Malak demanded.

"The supply of old ladies with ice cream is running dry. So we branched out and went after old men with ice cream," Terron said nonchalantly, "Mmm, ice cream."

"FREE COOKIES FOR ANYONE WHO SIGNS UP!" Chaotix shouted (using the Force, of course) above the noise of the masses.

There was stillness. Sidious, grinning, turned to Terron and said, "See, I told you it wouldn't work."

And then the masses came crashing down on the Sith stall, shouting "Cookies!" at the top of their lungs.

"That's why we build them so strong," Vader said, marveling at how even the pressure of holding eighty people up hadn't collapsed their stall.

"You owe me fifty thousand credits," Terron told Sidious. She then turned to Chaotix, "Tell these poor souls about the ice cream."

"GUILT-FREE ICE CREAM!" Chaotix told them. This left only a select few at the Jedi stall.

"You know," Aishenna said, turning to Otlem, "If I knew I wasn't doing the right thing, I'd be over there right now."

"I can't get over the child-killing thing," Otlem told her matter-of-factly, "But if…"  
"Well, if it isn't Otlem Waclimit!" said a new voice.

"I'm sorry," Otlem told Aishenna, "I just can't put up with that idiot again. Plus, free cookies!" Otlem wandered over to the Sith stall.

Aishenna turned to face the newcomer. "You're not a Jedi!" she exclaimed, "You're some pet of the Senate!" And she walked off, muttering angrily.

And then, there was no one at the Jedi stall.

"Seems the Jedi sent the wrong people to recruit," Sion remarked.

"You owe me another fifty thousand credits," Terron told Sidious, "And for a guy who took over the galaxy, you're dumb."

Sidious muttered something that sounded more than vaguely insulting about Terron. He then went smashing into a wall since Rayvin heard it.

"You don't take to well to people insulting me," Terron told him. He grinned maniacally and turned back to the seething mass of people. Terron shook her head and watched the next group of Sith-to-be surge forward.

The day ended at seven thirty. The Sith had had a very rewarding day – well, except for Sidious, who now owned Terron one hundred and fifty thousand credits. The last fifty thousand, in case you were wondering, came from the fact that this was Terron's day to recruit, and she had beaten Sidious in number of recruits by a factor of twelve. Free cookies and guilt-free stolen ice cream really seemed to work.

"You know," Luke said over at the Jedi stall, "We really need to get a new recruiting tool."

"Yeah," Mace Windu agreed, "Those hideous orange jumpsuits don't seem to be working."

"Wonder why, I do," Yoda said sarcastically.


	2. The Great Sith TakeOver

Sith Take-Over 

The Sith hidey-hole (it wasn't really a hidey-hole, since everyone knew where it was, they just didn't go there out of courtesy, except for the Jedi, who were too noble to find out where it was…something about the fact that they just didn't know the right people) was full of Sith Lords and their various apprentices. Sidious, still recovering from another horrifying loss to Terron (he still hadn't learned his lesson from all of the previous times), was curled up in a corner commiserating with himself. The other Sith Lords and apprentices (excluding Terron and Rayvin, who were arguing about what type of cookies they should try at the next Sith recruitment) were playing go-fish.

Chaotix was conspicuously missing, but then, who really wants to know where Chaotix has gone? If you asked Terron, she'd probably tell you he'd gone off to make another baby. It seemed to be his specialty, Force-seduction.

Malak glanced over his shoulder at Sidious, who had begun to cry silently. He then looked at Vader. "How does somebody like you becoming subordinate to him?" he asked, "Got a five?" he asked Sion.

"Go fish," Sion told him, "And no cheating to influence the card you pick up!"

"I did drop him into the belly of his ship," Vader told Malak.

"Yeah," Terron called from where she was losing her argument (fighting over the type of cookies wasn't her thing), "And then you died…A GOOD GUY!"

Vader muttered something and looked at his hand, as if avoiding the stares of his comrades.

Nilhus said something. Everyone (excluding Sidious, who was still crying), turned to look at Sion, who then translated, "You died a good guy?"

"So?" Vader muttered.

"This is a place for the Sith, not the Sith-who-died-Jedi!" Revan told him.

"Like you have a place to talk!" Traya snapped at her former student, "Not only did you betray Malak here, you too died a Jedi!"

"And you're an it," Exar Kun put in helpfully.

"Hey!" Revan said, "That's the fault of the creators of the Knights of the Old Republic!"

Terron, ignoring the arguing of the rest of the Sith around her, dropped into a comfortable chair and propped her feet up. She turned to Darth Maul, who was standing just behind the chair. "Hey, could you get me a drink?" she asked.

"Why would I do such a thing?" Darth Maul asked darkly.

"Because if you don't, I'll rip you to shreds with the Force while keeping you alive, and then I'll stick you back together," Terron told him, "And then you can commiserate with my buddy Sion over there."

Maul quickly glanced at Sion (who'd refused to get Terron a Whopper with root beer and onion rings, and now was a mass of scars and scar tissue) and then hurried off to get Terron's drink. As he hurried away, Rayvin sat down next to her. "Why don't you just do it the easy way?" he asked.

"Do you like being jealous?" she retorted.

"Why would I be jealous?" he shot back.

"Because the easy way is sexual favors," Terron told him matter-of-factly, "And really, I doubt half the people here have the right sort of equipment."

There was a chorus of "Hey!" from the go-fish table, but Rayvin just stared at her. "The easy way is getting up and getting it yourself," he told her.

"Yeah," she replied, "but that takes all of the fun out of scaring people to go get it for you."

"Good point," Rayvin told her, "And it also frees you up for…other activities…"

"You have a dirty mind," Terron told him.

"I meant like taking over the galaxy!" Rayvin said – a little too quickly.

"Nice cover!" Revan called.

"Yeah," Sion said, "Really good. No way you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight."

"At least he can scratch himself," Vader put in, "Right now I have this really big itch –"

"Let me guess," Terron cut in sardonically, "It's your balls."

"And how would you know that?" Malak asked.

"She's right," Vader mumbled, "My balls do itch." Everyone turned to stare dubiously at Terron.

She shrugged. "All balls itch." She turned to look at Sion, "And not like you would know what a nice cover is. I mean, who would sleep with you? You're a rotting corpse who's held together by the dark side. Even Traya won't sleep with you!"

"Who'd want to sleep with Traya, anyway?" Sion muttered. Nilhus practically shouted something at him, and Sion blushed…as much as he could. Traya, completely out of character, did so as well.

"What did he say?" Malak asked.

"Whatever it is, it's going to be good," Revan commented, "To make Traya blush."

Terron started laughing uncontrollably. Everyone turned to stare at her. "What?" she hiccupped. Rayvin, who must have been getting something over that bond of theirs, started laughing as well. Terron gave him an appreciative smile.

"What the hell is so funny?" Malak asked.

"He was defending Traya!" Rayvin got out between laughs. Terron was now laughing silently, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Revan looked at them. "Does that mean what I think it means?" it asked. Terron nodded, and then took a breath. "Ew, that's gross," Revan said to Nilhus, "You're sleeping with Traya? You must be desperate."

Nilhus said something back.

Everyone turned to Sion to translate. "He said you're just jealous because you never got the pants off of Bastila or Carth. He also says that Bastila and Carth ended up together. And then he laughed at you."

"Speaking of Revan's failed attempts at love," Terron said, "Why isn't Bastila here? She died a Sith."

"Dark Jedi," Revan mumbled.

"Same thing," Terron said breezily, "So why isn't she here?"

"I bet you want her here so that you can get the pants off of her," Revan told her darkly. Terron just looked at him.

"Why would you say that?" Exar Kun asked. Suddenly remembering that he was in a game of go-fish, he looked down at his cards. "Hey, Ulic, got a three?" he asked.

"No," Ulic said, "Go fish!"

"The only way she knows that all balls itch is if she has some of her own!" Revan said triumphantly.

Rayvin gave Revan the death-glare. Terron gave it the death-glare, too. But it was Rayvin who said something. "She doesn't have balls, you retarded piece of eopie shit."

"And how would you know?" Revan said.

"They have a life bond," Exar Kun reminded him.

"Yeah," Revan said, "But Rayvin doesn't have anything to scratch."

"You're the one with nothing to scratch!" Terron shot back. She then thought for a minute. "How do you pee?" she asked Revan.

"Why are you asking that question?" Ulic asked.

"Well, if Revan's an it, then obviously Revan doesn't have the equipment of either sex. So how does it pee?" Terron elaborated.

"That's the dumbest question I've ever heard!" Malak exclaimed.

"Shut up, metal mouth," Dooku told him, "It's actually quite a brilliant question. How does it pee?"

"I don't want to think of it," Ulic put in, "It's probably something none of us want to know."

And with that final comment, the Sith went back to their card game. Terron leaned back in her chair, a heavy-lidded gaze taking in the other Sith. She'd won another argument that was for sure.

"So," Rayvin said to Terron, "Why don't you take over the galaxy? Isn't that what Sith are supposed to do?"

"Ah," Terron said, "I'm too lazy. And with this group, it's hopeless. They don't even know how to play poker. What a bunch of losers." She glanced back at Sidious, who had fallen asleep while sucking his thumb, "That one in particular." Rayvin nodded his agreement.

Right then, Darth Maul reappeared with her drink. Glancing around, he took in the rest of the Sith. He smiled to himself while thinking, "I was wrong! I haven't missed a thing!"

Just another day in lazy people paradise…


End file.
